A Ghost of You
by zoerachael
Summary: The greatest tragedy of my life, is that I didn't spend it with you... Alex/Olivia


**Ghost of You**

Chapter One – Always Something There to Remind Me

Zoe Rachael

**Ghost of You  
><strong>Chapter One: Always Something There to Remind Me  
><em>Zoe Rachael<em>

Summary: What do you do when you finally found the one person you're supposed to spend your life with, only to realize that it's too late, that you didn't wait long enough?

A/N: I had the idea for this story back in 2007 (I know) and have been putting it off for a LONG time, but I recently felt the urge to write it, so here it is. It was inspired, shockingly enough, by an episode of Ally McBeal, and I adapted it for Alex and Olivia. Also, at the time I had the idea I was EXTREMELY into Women's Murder Club, which you will understand why I mentioned once you read this. Lol.

Hope you all enjoy and please let me know what you think.

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><p>Alex couldn't help admire her new office, it was her own office. No more sharing with the head ADA, with a small desk and a computer shoved into the corner. Now she was head ADA, she took all the cases, she made most of the decisions, all those she didn't have to run by her boss. She loved this new job.<p>

_I wish Abbie were here,_ she thought to herself.

Just as she thought it, the brunette in question poked her head in the door, a smile on her face, "Look who's making their way to the top."

Alex smiled at her friend, but there was a pain somewhere buried inside her. Abbie was her ex-girlfriend, the love of her life, the only person she ever felt like she had a future with, that was until she discovered her having dinner with a certain redhead from the _Times_.

_If I didn't like the woman so much, I would kill her for breaking me and Abbie up. I loved her. Who am I kidding, I still love her, I look into the future, and I'm alone, but I know I could have had a future with her._

"It's great right. I can't wait to meet my detectives," she smiled genuinely, thinking of making new friendships outside of the DA's office. "You worked a couple of SVU cases a while back right? What are they like?"

"Don, the captain, is a great guy. He was so good to me, even though I didn't work their department all the time. Elliot is a bit of a challenge and Munch… he… well let's just say he's unique." Alex smiled and shook her head, "Olivia is great, she's the lead detective over there, well, that's what we like to say, women power and all. She's been a good friend of mine for a long time. She and Cindy are just starting to get along; they weren't exactly fond of each other when they met." Abbie smiled, obviously thinking of Cindy.

_Oh god. I thinking I'm going to be sick. She loves to flaunt the fact that she's with Cindy in my face, she brings her up every time we have a conversation._

"I didn't know you knew the squad that well."

"Yeah. Olivia and I met before I worked over there, it was a chance meeting when I was in court she always invited me out for after court drinks with the gang. Olivia loved to go out, that's when she wasn't pregnant. You've met her husband, he brought their daughter over once, to our place. Remember, he was frantic, Olivia was four months pregnant, and he couldn't find her. Left her there while he went looking."

Alex thought back, trying to remember, but all she could see was all the times she and Abbie were alone in _their_ apartment. "Nope, I don't remember."

"Her kids are gorgeous. When you meet them, you'll think you're looking at a mini Olivia, especially when you see them together."

Abbie walked all the way into the room and sat down gracefully in one of the chairs across from Alex.

_Just make yourself comfortable. Why don't you just take my job like you've taken everything else of mine?_

Love was a funny thing, and even though Alex knew she wasn't over the woman sitting across from her, she always tried to think the worst of her, even if they were friends.

"So how many kids does she have?" Alex asked politely, trying not to look at the knee that had just popped out from the bottom of Abbie's skirt as she crossed her legs.

"Two, both girls. Reya and Desiree. She would do anything for those girls, except quit her job. It's the one thing she won't give up, no matter how much Ben begs her too."

Just as Alex was about to say something, Alex's door slammed loudly, and she looked up to see Cindy standing there, her cheeks red and she was puffing, like she'd just run a marathon.

"Cindy?" Alex asked an edge in her voice that was always there when she spoke to small redhead. "What the hell?"

Cindy looked over to see her girlfriend sitting across from Alex and smiled, "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question," said Abbie, standing up and walking for her girlfriend, kissing her softly, making Alex want to vomit once again. "Why have you been running?"

"I came to take you to lunch, but Jack saw me on the way in and… well he was kinda telling me to get out and… blah, blah. I managed to get away, but he's on my tail, so I came to hide in here."

Abbie laughed, a laugh that used to make Alex smile, but now made her want to hit herself over the head with something heavy so she couldn't hear the sultry sound.

No matter how much she hated it, Alex couldn't deny how happy Abbie and Cindy were, or how cute they were together. The truth was, Alex blamed herself for the split up, she had been so absent, busy with either work or school, and Abbie was the kind of person that needed the attention.

It had been a long time, even if it seemed like just yesterday to Alex, really it was more than three years earlier that they had been together. Their relationship was a huge part of Alex's life, not her first lesbian relationship, but by far her most significant one. Being with Abbie had shaped her, made her into the woman she was, and she'd always be grateful for that, even with all the resentment she held inside.

Since their break-up, Alex swore off women all together, knowing that there was no way she was straight, she knew she could never fall for a man, never break down those walls and let someone in, only to have her heart broken once again.

Alex was one to dwell on the past, and not able to move into the future blind, but she still wished that one day, she'd meet someone who made her heart stop, who she loved through everything, and who loved her back.

She dreamed sometimes, of a shot haired brunette with dark eyes, soulful eyes. The dream was always the same, blurred, but full of a passion that Alex hungered for. The dream was never clear, but it kept her hope alive. She hoped that one day she would meet her own dark haired beauty, and live happily ever after. Making love on rainy days, snuggling up in bed on Christmas morning, waking up to the sounds of breakfast being cooked for her, her favorite coffee waiting for her on the kitchen bench when she got home from a late night at work. One day, she wanted all that.

Alex wasn't the naïve type, she knew that she needed to be looking to see, but she somehow knew that when the right woman came along, she'd be looking her right in the eye.

"Alex?"

Abbie's worried voice broke through her haze, and Alex looked up to see both Abbie and Cindy looking at her with a worried expression. "What?"

"You just spaced out. Emily just came in and said that you needed to leave to get to get to the meeting on time."

Alex looked down at her watch and her eyes widened in horror, "Fuck!" she stood up and started throwing things into her briefcase, "I have to meet the captain at one police plaza." She closed the leather briefcase with a snap and closed the locks and looked up at Abbie and Cindy, "How do I look?" she asked.

Abbie smiled and walked around the desk, she straightened Alex's jacket and brushed some imaginary lint off her shoulder before letting her hands rest on each of her biceps, "You going to do fine Lexi. Just be yourself, he'll love you," she smiled, "Good luck."

Taking a deep breath, she smiled nervously and walked towards the door, briefly smiling at Cindy, "Thank you."

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><p>She was squirming as she sat in silence, watching Captain Donald Cragen argue his detectives case. She was brought out of her thoughts when she heard her name and looked up to see the Commissioner sending the captain on his way. She watched as he approached, time seeming to slow down, she was so nervous. <em>What the hell am I supposed to say? Hi I'm Alex, I'm the youngest ADA you've ever come into contact with; I'll be handling all of your cases. No. Hi, this is my first job as first chair, who would you like me to throw in jail? God Alex, you're so blonde. <em>

When he reached her, she just stood up, "Captain Cragen."

He turned and looked at her, a defeated expression on his face. He gave her a quick once over and said, "Miss Cabot?"

"Alex." She cringed at her own cheerfulness. One of her fellow ADA's had warned her about the downside of working at SVU, and she had taken into account that these detectives have been dealing with the filth of the city for as long as they have been in the unit, they weren't cheerful people. But still, she went straight ahead and made herself look like one of those 'Not a care in the world,' people. _You're fucking stupid Alex._

"Yeah right, of course."

_And he's in a bad mood. What a great time to go meet the guy you'll be dealing with for the rest of your time in this unit, when his squad is about to be blown apart. Dumb. Ass. _As Cragen walked out of the large hall, Alex was forced to follow, and for some reason, she couldn't get that smile off her face, _Stop being nice, he doesn't care. Be considerate, but not pushy._

She caught up to him outside, "I'm sorry, I'm just really nervous, new job and all. Whenever you can get the files to me will be fine."

She was about to walk off when he turned to her, "Miss Cabot, wait."

Trying not to smile, she turned to face him, "My squad is in some hot water, two of my best detectives are under investigation, and I just don't want my squad to lose its assets. Tomorrow morning, breakfast at Amore, 9.30. I'll bring the case files."

Alex smiled, seeing light at the end of the tunnel, "See you then."

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><p><em>Fuck, fuck, fuck!<em> Alex was hitting her head on Diane's desk, cursing at herself with every collision. "What was I thinking? I can't do this."

"Alex, it was just one slip up, I don't think Cragen will think anything into it, and that is even if those detectives tell him. You pulled something that got them what they wanted, I'm sure they'll love that." Diane was one of Alex's closest friends, they attended Law school together and became a member of the DA's office on the same day, they even shared an apartment after Alex's break-up with Abbie, when she had nowhere to go. She was the first person Alex went to when she was feeling down, and when she let the detectives know that she had high up connections, and she felt like she was a failure, Diane was the one who got her distress call.

"They are going to think that the only reason I have this job is because I have people who can influence my bosses," she groaned and hit her head once again on the desk before her. "I'm so stupid."

"Beating yourself up again I see."

At the sound of the voice, Alex groaned in frustration, wishing that she had knocked herself out.

"Leave her alone Gary, she's having a crisis," Diane said, sticking up for her friend, which Alex greatly appreciated.

Gary Olsen, first chair for the Narcotics unit and Diane's boss, was one of Alex's many 'partners' over the past three years. They'd met through Diane at a bar one night when Alex had been groaning about Abbie once again. Sick of her whining about the brunette, Diane had gladly found someone for Alex to focus her attentions on. Being her best friend, Diane knew that Alex had sworn off women, so she'd grabbed the nearest male to her, and he just happened to be her boss.

To the day, her night with Gary Olsen was one of her many regrets. Thinking that it was more than a one night stand, Gary had called her constantly for a week after their night together, and still he was obsessed with her, rejected and hurt, he pretended he didn't care about her when anyone else was around, but when he managed to get her alone, he always asked her out.

It was a times like this that she regretted not being out to the world. Of course, all the people that mattered knew that she was a lesbian, her friends and family, but her colleagues, her bosses; they were all in the dark. She kept her private life, private, but keeping a secret this huge, sometimes she just wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

"So what should I do?" Alex asked, trying to ignore the eyes she knew were boring into the back of her head, "Should I go in there, see if I get laughed at?"

Diane smiled, "They're not laughing at you. I think they'll see it as an advantage. And look, who cares if they think it was because of your father or your uncle that you got into this office, you know that wasn't the case, so what does it matter what they think?"

Alex sighed, she knew Diane was right, she shouldn't care, but there was something telling her that she needed to make a good impression on these people. "I'm going over there."

Diane sighed, "At least wait until tonight, don't you have work to do? Cases to prosecute?"

_Right, work._ "Actually, I have an arraignment this afternoon; some interesting cases come out of this department. Interesting, but disgusting."

Diane rolled her eyes, "What's this one about?"

"A deaf guy, claims he couldn't hear her saying no, her hand gestures weren't clear enough," she shook her head, "It's interesting, reading his psych evaluation, I almost fell for the story, I'm hoping the jury won't too."

"That's your job, convince them otherwise."

Alex laughed, "And I'm pretty good at it if I do say so myself."

* * *

><p>Her first time in the station house, she was slightly nervous, not only did she not know where she was going, her heart was beating out of her chest and she had no idea why. The elevator was her best bet, so she went inside and just pressed the first button she saw.<p>

To her surprise, there was someone still at the station when she arrived, well at least one person, the light being on upstairs. She had left the office late after being bombarded by one of her male colleagues who she recently went out with. His name was Robert Anderson, and she actually saw him as a great guy, but she really wasn't into him. Turning him down however was one of the hardest things she had to do that day, and her day wasn't easy.

Diane kept asking her why she just didn't settle for one of the more reasonable guys, 'Every guy wants you Alex, you're amazing looking, you're smart, you have a great personality and you have a shit load of cash, they want all that. So why don't you just pick one and stay with him for a while.' Each time, Alex is forced to say in a harsh voice, 'Because I'm a lesbian Di.' Robert was one of the guys she said it about, 'He's good looking, he's smart and he's into you, go for it,' were her exact words.

Alex smiled at the memory, Diane really did want the best for her, but Alex knew that a guy wasn't what was best for her, never could she fall for a male, it just wasn't in her. _The hair in wired places, the smug smile when they get some, that 'I'm the superior sex' attitude they all have. God, I'd throw myself out my bedroom window at just the thought. _She chuckled at the thought as she stepped off the elevator and onto the second floor. She had the right floor, there was a light coming from inside the bullpen, not a lot of light, maybe just a lamp or a computer screen, either way, Alex knew that there was someone who could tell her what was going on.

The case wasn't what she was there to discuss, but it was something to give her an incentive to be there. When she got back from court, there had been a message for her from the captain, but she didn't have time, what with filing and preparing her opening statement and then being bombarded by Robert and their friendly coffee afterwards, it completely slipped her mind that she had to call the captain.

Walking into the large room filled with desks, she immediately looked to where the light was coming from. Not far from the door, at a desk that was back-to-back with another one, there was a lamp on, but nobody sitting at the desk.

Sighing to herself, Alex turned around, thinking that she could call to find out what was happening first thing in the morning, when she hit something hard and felt hot liquid soaking through her blue shirt.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," she said quickly, bending down to help the woman she had bowled over, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, it was my fault anyway, I should have been looking where I was going."

The woman was brushing off her pants and looking down at her shirt which was too, covered in coffee. "I'm so sorry," Alex repeated_. I'm glad it's the end of the day; I don't have to rush home just to change before court_. "Are you really alright?"

The woman looked up and smiled, a gesture that was so simple, but it made her heart race faster and her breath catch in her throat. "Jesus," she whispered to herself.

"Can I help you?" the woman asked, giving her a once over and letting her eyes rest on Alex's slender neck.

"Oh, Alex Cabot, new ADA."

"Detective Olivia Benson, technically Lawson, but I don't think it suits me." She held out a hand which Alex took. The simple touch, flesh to flesh made Alex feel like she was being thrown into a bucket of ice cold water and dried off by a roaring fire. The feeling was one of comfort and one that made her feel somewhat uneasy all at once, "It's nice to meet you," Olivia continued.

Alex couldn't talk, so she just stood there, looking deep into soulful brown eyes, holding onto the hand that she should have let go quite some time ago. For the first time in three years, the light at the end of the tunnel seemed to brighten, and she couldn't help the smile that made it onto her face.

The detective looked back, a fire burning somewhere behind those eyes, a hidden desire that she was afraid to let out, but one that Alex could see coming, as if it were the headlights of an oncoming vehicle.

"Olivia, are you still here?"

Detective Benson pulled her hand away when she heard the accented voice, pretending to look casual, but she still didn't look away from Alex, and Alex didn't dare break the gaze either.

"Yeah!" Olivia yelled, still with her eyes firmly on Alex.

Soon, Alex became aware of someone else's presence in the room and finally broke the gaze she was holding with the detective to investigate. The man standing in the doorway was young and handsome, even Alex could admit it. He looked like the model father with two girls in his arms, one of them looking to be almost three, and the other just a little over four.

For some unknown reason, Alex's hatred for the man she didn't even know flared, and she had to turn away in fear of her head exploding in jealousy.

"Hey girls," Olivia said, smiling widely, "How have my baby's been today?" she walked over to her husband and took the youngest girl from his arms, "Why aren't they in bed?" she asked the man, hugging the youngest girl.

"They wouldn't sleep until they saw you," he replied, a viciousness in his voice.

"Well maybe you should learn to control them better," she replied, kissing the girl in her arms on the top of the head, "Go back to daddy," she said, handing over the younger girl and taking the older one into her arms, "You're getting so big," she whispered, smiling as the older girl wrapped her little arms around her mama's neck. "Are you guys sleepy?" she asked them both, hugging her older daughter tightly.

They both nodded in a sleepy fashion that made Alex smile, she couldn't deny how cute they were.

"Well you two go with daddy, I'll meet you in the car in a few minutes, I just need to finish up here," she kissed the older girl on the head and gave her back to her father before kissing her husband lightly on the lips, a gesture that made Alex's eyes fire up, and she turned away. "I love you guys."

Alex heard footsteps and suspected that Olivia's husband had left, so she turned back around to face the detective, "I better get going," she said quietly, taking a step towards the door, "it was nice meeting you."

Olivia frowned at her, and held out a hand to stop her from leaving the room, catching her forearm softly, "Wait, you must have come here for something."

Alex thought back, but she really couldn't remember why she had come all the way over to the station, "It's nothing, I'll just talk to Captain Cragen in the morning. Again, it was nice meeting you."

With that, she walked out of the room, stepping into the elevator when it opened and giving Olivia Lawson one last look in the eye. When the doors closed, she leant against the wall and let out a breath. She'd found her, looked her straight in the eye, someone who she felt… that pull for, but still, she looked into the future, and all she saw was herself… alone.

_You really can pick 'em Cabot. First a cheat, and now married. Well done._

Behind the Dialogue8


End file.
